Clubbin' In Minas Tirith
by Jaelawyn Noble
Summary: Insanity. Just...just pure insanity. A Challenge off of one of the LOTR Mailing Lists. A lot of the boys are at a club. In Minas Tirith. I think.


Clubbin' at Minas Tirith

Jaelawyn Noble [ Jaelawyn@attbi.com ]

Disclaimer: Love 'em, dun own 'em.  
Warnings: pure insanity. Utter insanity. Lotsa strange happenings.  
Rating: R  
Pairing: You'll have to read to find out.  
Archive: ;  
Feedback: Yes please  
Note: a challenge by Leggy Luver from the Gutter Elves mailing list. Also, I know that Elves don't use money, but it's needed! I need to have Arwen waving around money! I just can see her like that!  
Thanks To: Uhm… Let's see… I'd like to thank all the little people… Nah, just kidding. Thanks to the sugar. And to the fact that my friend invited me to a chat to terrorize and I began going to hyper for my own good.

~

A squealing fan girl enters an Inn, looking around and squealing like a piggy. The inn was called "Minas Tirith – Club for those looking for fun." Her friend, Squealin' Nelly, had given her information that some of the Fellowship would be here. Middle Earth didn't have many clubs, but this one had just opened in Rivendell. So, it seemed as if any Elf, or crazy fan girl, could come and drink.

The fan girl's name was Kel, known amongst her fan clan as Elf Capturer Kel. In her few years in Middle Earth, Kel had captured over twenty Elves. She was looking forward to adding Legolas and Elrond's twin sons to her collection.

The inn's atmosphere was smothered in smoke. Up on the entertainment stage were a few very pretty call boys. Arwen was standing up in her seat, waving around some hundred dollar bills. Aragorn was attempting to out drink Boromir. What shocked Kel was the fact that Legolas and a Nazgûl were macking on each other. It was very unnerving to see a nice very pretty…. Very handsome… Very _sexy_… At this point Kel giggled insanely and wiped drool off her face. The point was something dark and evil was necking with something light and pretty and sexy and lovely and Kel really needed a cold shower by now…

If a Nazgûl and an Elf macking was bad, watching Gollum and Frodo jerking each other off was worse. Kel watched, eyes as wide as saucers. She really needed to get one of these guys in her room. Either that or drench herself in cold water. Slinking over to the stage, Kel grinned at the DJ.

"Can you please put _Baby got Back _on?" she asked sweetly, batting her eyes.

"Sure, sweetie…" Elladan said, smiling at her while stroking Elrohir's buttock. "Wanna come and dance with us while your at it?"

"Do you want our bodies? Aren't we sexy?" Elrohir asked, stroking his twin's chest.

Kel smiled sweetly. With a devious giggle, she ran over to them and began clinging to them. "Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!" she kept crying out, kissing them and clinging.

"Yea, whatever…" Elrohir muttered.

"I LIKE BIG EGGS AND I CANNOT LIE! YOU OTHER BROTHER'S CAN'T DENY! WHEN AN EGG WALKS IN WITH AN ITTY BITTY WAIST AND ROUND THING IN YER FACE YOU GET SPRUNG!" Boromir sang out.

Aragorn growled. "It's 'I like big butts and I cannot lie.'"

"So?" Legolas asked, coming up for air. His Nazgûl had gone over to the others, and began powdering up. It was obvious that their act was next.

"So, he should get it right," Arwen purred, sitting on Legolas' lap. "Gimme a kiss, princey?" Legolas rolled his eyes and pushed Arwen off his lap, her hair catching on his tunic. There was a loud _rip_ and off came the wig.

"Oh my god! Arwen is bald!" screamed Frodo.

"No!" Gollum cried. "Evil Elfie is a manie! Lookies, nice hobbitessssss… Look Master of the Precioussssss… Evil light Elf is man!"

Arwen scowled and stalked over to Gollum and began to strangle him. Frodo cried out and jumped on Arwen's back, getting her…erhm, getting _him_ in a headlock. Aragorn jumped up and swayed, drawing the Once Broken sword – and stabbing Arwen with it by accident.

He looked at it. "But I meant to strike Gollum with the flat edge… Oops… It's a double edged blade…" He looked over at the bleeding "Elf." "No! My love!" Aragorn cried, stroking Arwen's false breasts.

"Perv! You just wanted me for my body!" She died.

"Oh my god!" someone shouted. "You killed Kenny! How could you kill Kenny! You ass!" The person, a woman, began to beat the stuffing out of Aragorn with an alligator skin purse.

"I didn't mean to!" he cried out.

Meanwhile Kel – yes, the insane fan girl was back – had dragged the Elven twins up to her room to play Slave and Master with… With the twins as her slaves. Poor Elves… Hope they come back in one piece!

The announced stepped up onto the stage. "And now! The Nazgûl Rockets!"

Stepping out onto the stage, mouths fell open. Skeletons dressed in blonde curly wigs and bright red slut dresses had come out. The tune of "Be Our Guest" began playing, and the Nazgûl began a very Can Can-ish sort of dance that showed that they had tighty whites on underneath those slutty dresses.

"You must die, Darth Maul!" someone suddenly cried out, jumping up. A blue lightsaber appeared in his hand and he began chopping down the Nazgûl into little itty bitty pieces. "Master Qui-Gon! Your spirit may rest in peace now!"

"You bastard!" Squall Leonhart screamed. "How dare you kill my Seifer!" The brunette pointed to the true blonde in the Rocket outfit. "Prepare to die, Obi-Wan!" Out came the gunblade, and in came Darth Vader.

As Darth Vader began to parry off with Squall, Xena came busting in, breasts falling out of her chest armor. She saw the blonde Legolas and launched herself at him. "Come fuck me!" she ordered him, dragging him off.

"Oy! I'm the Prince of Mirkwood! Lemme go!"

And sheep began to come in and eat Frodo's hair.

THE END – cuz I got no more ideas…


End file.
